Monday

I'm grateful for...

...having had a good conversation with Molly.
...having organized my day and accomplishing goals that I set out to do.
...Merrick for teaching me the Wing Chun lesson.

Sunday Afternoon

I'm grateful for...

...having stayed awake through "Fancy Free"! It was such a delight.
...having found the Synergo Music Method, which seems to have fleshed out what I believe.
...how I managed to further one of my goals of learning how to sing without consciously realizing that I had already written it down as a goal.

Saturday morning

I'm grateful...

...for Hulu, which enabled me to watch Sherlock Holmes last night
...for Molly's honest voicemail
...for dreams about double tours, which mean that they're becoming a part of my subconscious

Gratitudes

I'm grateful...


...that I'm such good friends with Katie. 9 hours hanging out!
...that there are webcasts that I enjoy listening to.
...that there is so much information available online.

Friday

I'm grateful...

...that I read Marcus' Facebook and saw that there was no modern class.
...that I made time to try Bob Cooley's meridian flexibility energy flow series.
...that I had added traction to some of my Gyrotonic workouts and could share that with Taylor yesterday and Gustavo today.

Gratitudes

Yesterday:

I am grateful...

...that I talked with Marilyn after Alexander Technique class and found out about Liz Koch and then Bob Cooley. His book is interesting.

...that I'm able to warm up my hamstrings before class. It made Ilona's class so much easier for me than Mary's.

...for the nice people who provide services over the internet for free.


Today:

I am grateful...

...for the funny dream I had about some dreamt up sport where somehow you're lying on your stomach and you have a motor that pushes you along the ground. Crazily enough, I went uphill! It was funny remembering this.

...the conversation with Kellina. I think I'vel earned some valuable things about myself within the conversation, such as how I come up with what I want to say without thinking, and that it's based on correcting some unfairness. And it's true, sometimes I take pleasure in other people's misery, but that's only under the intent of telling people the truth.

...for being able to research music on the internet. What did people do before the internet?

Journaling: Reney!

I think probably the most rewarding part of yesterday was having the conversation with Reney. I think I had been in shock all afternoon and early evening about Chien-Hwe breaking up with me, but by the time I left Green Street Studios to head home, I was upset. I remember Olivier telling me that I should find an outlet for my emotions, but I didn't know how.

Reney has no trouble finding an outlet for her emotions, which actually made it easier for me. I would complain about something, and then she'd really go off on it, which was funny and helpful at the same time. I think she helped clarify for me exactly what I was feeling. Little things that I thought weren't a big deal would have been a big deal to her, such as getting upset when Chien-Hwe said "have a good night".

Reney then talked about her own stresses, personal and job-related. It was nice to be reminded that I'm not the only one that has trouble, and I'm impressed with the way she handled them.

And like I said, we ended with happy conversations. Reney finished reading "Wicked" and I found out she's seeing it in January. How exciting! and I had a good class with Jody, a good voice recital, and I suppose I didn't mention it, but I was also thinking about my good class with Marcus.

Gratitudes

I'm grateful for:

having written about Jaren's analytical abilities. Remembering it and practicing it prepared me for some potentially bad news.

having Irene as a friend. I really needed to let out some steam last night after Chien-Hwe broke up with me, and Irene was perfect. She not only listened, but also had to get some stuff out herself. but then we finished with at least two happy moments!

having Jody's class last night and having the opportunity to explore the depth of my dancing a year after the conservatory.

Journaling: Voice Recital

I haven't journaled since Friday, meaning I missed Saturday and Sunday. But that's okay, just keep on keeping on.

The highlight of Sunday was the voice recital. Taylor started us off just by sitting in the space--a practice I should do more often when I work, whether it be singing or dancing. Then, he asked us to acknowledge what we were afraid of, and to write it down. Then, what our strengths are and write it down.

I was afraid of making some sudden, unexpected mistake as a short-term fear, and as a longer-term fear, knowing that I could go further but not actually doing it.

My strengths, what I could rely, were that I am constantly told that I am grounded. Via Me! said that I have a lot of hope. I took these two together to mean that I can take things in stride and keep going.

Taylor then went on to suggest that our strengths and weaknesses are probably quite similar. Interesting notion. We then ripped up our fears and threw them away.

During the actual voice recital, when I singing, I felt a surge of energy I had never felt before. "Amarilli" suddenly became more real for me than it ever had before. I really felt like telling her to take the arrow and rip open my chest. The energy was so great, I couldn't contain it but didn't know how to let it out.

It was a new experience, and I know it'll come back again. Now I want to work on really harnessing that energy, to create a deeper experience for myself.

"Give a man" was similar, I think, but I had felt something similar in the studio class. It was a different energy, but similar. Again, I look forward to bringing this energy into my work so that I can really indulge in it.

Gratitudes:

I missed Sunday, but I had thought about it before I fell asleep.

Sunday's gratitudes:
I am grateful for the bed that I have to sleep in.
I'm grateful for the housing that I've acquired.
I'm grateful for the times that I live in and how easy it is to acquire food.

Today's gratitudes:
I'm grateful for the warm, sunny weather, which pleasantly woke me up before my alarm.
I'm grateful for Taylor's work as a teacher and coach--he always encourages the positive, acknowledges the negative, but then sets it aside. His work is very much in line with the positivity that I'm working to practice.
I'm grateful for Jaren as a friend and the kinds of conversations we can have. He is so intelligent and so analytical. I strive to be more like him in terms of understanding the issues and planning for many possible outcomes.

Gratitudes:

Today, I am grateful for... ...tea, and how my mom sent me tea. ...the foot rubz ball that I bought, which gives me good massages ...mint.com for helping me access my information through just one screen

Journal: Voice Lesson

Voice Lessons with Taylor are always great. I always somehow find something deeper in my vocal practice in a lesson. Today we focused on polishing the two pieces, "Give a man a horse" and "Amarilli" for the recital on Sunday. I think we worked a lot on the vowels. Mostly, I needed to keep the vowels forward and brighter. The difference was amazing--Taylor actually physically responded by pulling back, as if the impact of my voice had suddenly, forcefully pushed him away. Singing felt so easy, and the ease actually made me feel more and more powerful. Taylor said I was especially resonant today. So true. I felt as if I was actually a singer today. Congrats to myself. It was a beautiful moment. PS I followed my lesson by heading over to the theater building at school. In the studio, I solidified for myself where that bright, forward place in my mouth was for the vowels. What power. It's amazing that I have this ready for me. I can't wait to show it off. Except that it's not really about some petty need for attention, it's a display of the power of the human voice.

Journaling: Returning to Yo-el's class

Last night I took Yo-el's class, which I haven't taken since September, maybe? We started with an improv warm up which was confusing for me because I hadn't done this in a really long time. But then we got to learning his material, and I really felt like I was applying what I had learned when videotaping myself for Leslie Koval's Jury: how to move when the head leads. His warm up now is very repetitive, but not too intense, so I was glad that I had done a mini pre-barre before. Two of the skills I recently acquired are a clean, functional, smooth, and powerful plié, which I need to warm up to get to, and a feeling of true extension in the leg (with the stretch behind the knee). I had forgotten how he uses the upper body to initiative the turns and the jumps. It was fun to incorporate that into my pliés. I think I've definitely gotten stronger, because when I jumped and looked into the mirror, it actually looked spectacular. Yo-el is also a fan of the low, grounded running. Leslie Koval helped me really find that, and I think it showed. I've also been working on external focus with Gino a lot. One of my new habits is to look up, which Leslie Koval pointed out, but I was much more aware of where I was choosing to focus. I still could use some work, but it was definitely a gratifying experience to know that it's become more of a habit. Yo-el came up to me and said how strong I've become--that I'm all muscle! Yet afterwards he said, I've become very clean, that I'm getting good technical training, but it hasn't gotten in the way of my freedom. That's nice to hear, that I'm acquiring skills that I want without compromising the skills that I already have. It was such a refreshing class to attend!

Friday

Today, I am grateful... for the ability to sleep in, which I probably needed if I did it for learning about Walt Disney, who advanced technology for the sake of his art for reading Camden's wall and seeing all the lovely memories about him and messages to him and his family

Beginning again

I missed yesterday, but I'll just keep on keeping on. Today, I am grateful...

for finding out about frozen berries, which are cheap and delicious with oatmeal

for having access to the school's library, which has many books on music, dance, and participates in the ILL

for Google Voice, which makes it easier to communicate with other people because of the ease of using my computer

Journaling: The School at Jacob's Pillow

OMG OMG I heard about Jasmin's acceptance into The School at Jacob's Pillow, so I assumed that meant that I didn't get in. No phone call, after all. Yesterday, I opened their letter to read the following: "You have been placed on the Wait List for acceptance into The School at Jacob's Pillow Contemporary Program for 2012. ... "Since each program accepts twenty-four participants or less, our Wait List is comprised of dancers that would have been accepted had there been more spaces available." I can do good work! Okay, I realize that I'm not actually attending The School, and that there's like a 5% chance that I'd be invited, but still, this is waay closer than I've ever been, and it means that I've done something right. I feel good about myself now. :) In the midst of acknowledging and accepting my insecurity, I have two majorly positive dance experiences, and also a great singing studio class with Taylor and his studio. I think this means I need to keep it as real as possible, acknowledge my emotions, and live each moment to the fullest. If I do that, sooner or later, something positive will happen.

Journaling: Feedback on Juries

Journaling is to relive a positive experience. Today, a positive experience was the feedback after the juries. I started with my ballet solo, and the teachers actually smiled at me when I started. (If they did last time, I didn't notice. I was nervous!) The variation felt easy, and so did the modern solo. I felt like I was actually spotting the audience members. Afterwards, Leslie Woodies, the teacher who, a semester ago, had asked, "Why do you dance?" with the subtext, "Because I don't know if you should", started the conversation by asking me what I had done since then. I said "I've been focusing on being more external, more aware of what's around me, both physically in space as well as in the context of the dance." She said, whatever it is, keep it up because it's really working. "You're such a different dancer." Donna, a ballet teacher whose class I don't exactly like, said that she was so proud of me. She informed the other faculty that on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I have her class, I would still until her next class came in, working on my technique. One of the modern teachers, Sandy, replied, "it shows!" Jonathan Riedel, a Limón teacher I know very little about, but whose choreography I want to see more of, said something about really improving from the last time, and that in modern, one of my strengths is my incredible torso. He likes how flexible my torso work looks and hopes that I can translate it into my legs. Also, now that I'm finally getting the form, he wants to see me use my imagination, which I think he means being even more expressive. Diane, a modern teacher whose class I dislike and basically got out of for this semester, said that my legs are very strong when I'm airborne and when I'm running, so I should think about keeping the same energy when I'm not moving in space so that I don't feel trapped. (She was never that perceptive in class! Maybe that means we're getting somewhere in our teacher-student relationship.) Leslie Koval, my favorite modern teacher who coached me on the modern solo, said that it's clear how diligent I've been with working on my solo. She saw where it was just a week ago, after all. One of my strengths, she explained, is the power of understatement. But the flip side of that, is that I also need to find the athleticism in the movement. (One of the comments she gave me last week was that the same energy I gave my ballet needs to be translated into the modern.) She commended my work and my attitude toward the juries, and the faculty gave a collective nod and "mmm". Lastly, Gino, the ballet teacher that has helped me tremendously, working with me every weekday after classes, during his lunch break, etc. said that I've done very good work and something following up on the comment about my attitude. He also mentioned that I challenge him as a teacher, but that forces him to learn to be a better teacher. He's never worked with someone like me--he described me as being a very internal person--as opposed to just being very physical about it. But that it's been good for him. He thanked me for it, and naturally made a modest comment, "And hopefully you learn from me too." He KNOWS I've learned from him. Side note: I love almost every aspect of going through juries. 1) I get to perform, and we know how rare that is. 2) I have solos, which, okay, I had this past show at BoCo, but these are much more substantial and not a pity casting. 3) The teachers give you personalized feedback, which is hard to do when you train by taking class with 15 other people. (The one part that I don't like is that classes often get cut short for the coaching. But I guess we can't have it all.) During lunch, Gino and I were talking about summer plans, and he said that my entrechat sixes actually impressed him, and then Donna came and just gave me a big hug. Then Polo (the other male ballet teacher, though he teaches a women's class), said that I was doing well (he was the one that last semester wrote, "I don't know? Basic training?") and that my arms need more expression from my chest. In conclusion: I did much better than last time. There's still lots of work to be done, but the faculty are pleased. On my part, I feel like I've earned all of the comments. They were fair, helpful, and encouraging.

Returning to my gratitudes!

It's a new month, so I should be able to keep track of this. For 21 days, I should write these. I may do it on a notepad, which means they might not all be here. But I've accepted that. It's more about the practice of writing them than about reviewing them. Today, I am... grateful that I have my kitchen and can make breakfast. grateful that I have my laptop and can use it listen to music and video tape myself dancing. grateful for the juries, the process, the feedback, and the experience.